Friday, November 18, 2011

Blog #5: Explode Some Ewoks

Blog #5: Explode Some Ewoks
My Thoughts on: 'RETURN OF THE JEDI'
I remember it like it was yesterday. My parents rented a VCR from "Entertainment Galore", the local video store, and with the VCR they rented "Return of the Jedi". The vile gangster Jabba The Hutt kidnaps the lovely Princess Leia, it was a scary situation. That is until Leia comes out wearing a gold bikini and I felt something that I had never felt before. My eyes widened and my heart began to pound, I fell in love with the girl on the TV, the girl in the gold bikini. Carrie Fisher looked amazing and the bikini scenes and pictures stand the test of time. I've read that it was in fact George Lucas who designed the bikini and if true let me say to him: Thank you and god bless your brilliance. Not only did George Lucas create the greatest sci-fi franchise of all time but he turned myself and millions of guys like me on to women. He opened my eyes to women and made me realize they truly are Gods greatest creation. Thank you George and thank you Princess Leia, my first crush.

I read an article called "50 reasons why Return of the Jedi sucks" and it opened my eyes. It really is the worst of the original trilogy, and here are my reasons why: F#&k the Ewoks, they suck and their goofball cuteness really wussified the whole freaking franchise. In the previous sentence I made up a lot of words but that's OK, I don't have an editor. The Imperials should have massacred those Teddy Ruxpin wannabes. F^&k cute and cuddly this is Star Wars dammit. One thing I never understood about George Lucas is that this is called 'Star Wars'...WAR is implied in the title. It would have been cool had we seen some Ewoks explode or something during the battle. You'd think with those Imperial weapons and trooper training they would have taken out more Ewoks than they did. I just think if you are going to call your franchise 'Star Wars' you should really make them a PG film. The Wookie battle in 'Revenge Of The Sith' was so much better. Guess that's what Lucas originally had in mind for 'Return' but probably due to budget we were left with Ewoks. Also no matter how hot my first crush was parading around in that gold bikini her acting in that movie was terrible. Carrie Fisher herself later admitted to being all coked up while filming the movie, and I don't mean she drank too much Coca-Cola folks, I'm talking the white nightmare! And if Jabba the Hutt was really such a vile gangster why would his "Crew" be made up of Muppet rejects not cool enough for Sesame Street. Boba Fett was cool but that's it, the rest were all Muppet's. Tony Soprano didn't surround himself with Muppet's....And Jabba the Hutt sucked, a 1500 pound slug may seem scary on paper but in reality he was just silly. Although I did respect Jabba's eye for women. What was up with Mark Hamill's hair? He looked like a guy from the 60's auditioning for "The Beatles". And lastly the scene when Jabba and his crew were going to throw Luke and everyone into the sarlac pit...I'm I the only one who thought it looked like a huge vagina? In later years George Lucas put a computer generated monster in the pit and called it the sarlac...but the vagina pit is still burned into my mind. But either than that stuff it was a great movie.
After the events of 'Return Of The Jedi' the Ewok village was nuked... in my own fan fiction...

The best Star Wars movie was 1980's The Empire Strikes Back. Yoda was the only cool Muppet in the original trilogy and the ending, Luke gets his hand cut off and Darth Vader tells him "I am you father", one of the best scenes in movie history. What a great cliff hanger that was. And Han Solo was the coolest dude in the galaxy and he gets Princess Leia....he's the man!
*** This & That ***
- I grew up watching Star Trek on CBC, but in 1987 Star Trek: The Next Generation premiered and changed everything. It really was a great show and ended its run in 1994 after 7 seasons on television. From what I heard Paramount had signed a deal with its stars for an 8th season. Patrick Stewart (Picard) and Brent Spiner (Data) reluctantly agreed to an 8th season but no more. Paramount was apparently even considering bringing in other actors to replace Picard and Data for a 9th season, according to a former TNG staff writer. Ronny Cox who had played "Captain Edward Jellico" who took command of the Enterprise for 2 episodes would replace Picard and Elizabeth Dennehy as "Commander Shelby" would replace Data. It would have been interesting but a 8th season should have happened because the 7th season sucked and the show ended on a sour note because of it. Unfortunately it was business that destroyed the proposed 8th season. Paramount was set to launch their UPN television network and they wanted Star Trek to be its primary show, this new network was set to launch in January 1995. Problem was Paramount was already producing Star Trek: TNG and Deep Space Nine for syndication and couldn't put one of them on their network because of all the syndication deals they had in place. So the decision was made to end TNG at the end of season 7 and create a new Star Trek series for the UPN network. TNG ended in may 1994 with a lousy final season and final episode and the worst Star Trek series ever created was launched in January 1995: Star Trek Voyager. I'm sure if the paramount executives could have foreseen the end of UPN in 2006 and the poor ratings and reviews for "Voyager" they would have stayed with TNG for at least one more season.
- The following is a comic book movie idea that I would love to see adapted to the big screen: Mark Waid & Alex Ross's mini-series 'Kingdom Come'. For those of you who do not know what I am talking about 'Kingdom Come' was a mini-series set in the not so distant future in the DC Universe where a new breed of out-of-control super heroes have replaced Superman and company. But Superman and Wonder Woman and others have decided to come out of retirement to put an end to the madness this new generation of heroes has created and restore faith and order in the world. This leads to a epic battle between the faction of heroes Superman has created and a faction of heroes that follow Batman (who may not be on the same page as Supes). Lex Luthor has again assembled a group of villains to combat against Superman's quest for order, and Lex even forms an unlikely alliance with Batman!!?? Also there is an epic battle between the elder Superman and the still young and powerful Captain Marvel (Shazam). I recommend this comic book as a great read, I bought the trade paperback. This would make an excellent move and I would love to see 'Mad Men's Jon Hamm play 'Captain Marvel' and maybe George Clooney as 'Superman'. Bryan Cranston ('Breaking Bad') would make an excellent 'Batman'. Michelle Ryan (2007's Bionic Woman) is a prime candidate to play Wonder Woman.
- This last June my wife and I attended the Calgary Comic & Entertainment Expo. That Saturday night we had a great supper at the hotel lounge, and while sitting next to the window we seen 'Innerspace' co-host Teddy Wilson walk by. I waved at him, he waved back and must have noticed my 'Shat For Prime Minister' shirt and gave us the Vulcan salute. We asked him to join us but he said he had to go. After I sent him a message on Twitter and he actually got back to me. He and Ajay are very cool guys! Sunday we attended the 'Innerspace' autograph session and got to meet and talk with Ajay Fry and Teddy Wilson. I learned that Teddy was actually a child actor who starred on a 80's Canadian kids variety comedy show called 'You Can't Do That On Television', which was actually the show where Canadian singer/song writer Alanis Morissette got her start. I loved to watch that show as a kid!! They signed autographs and took their picture with Crystal and I.
See u in the future!!
- Chrisloc1701

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